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From my book" My Love for you, Tom Cruise--A desperate Chinese Girl's Confession"

I’m the stranger to you, white boy,
I came all the way, all the way across the Pacific Ocean to see
Your
Face.
to see the eyes of blue, the heart of gold
to see a soul with the purity of snow
even so, even you don’t know, even I’m the first you will
ignore.



You remember Tom’s assistant-the guy I met in a bar when I just got here? Well, It turned out Tom Cruise’s “assistant” is a drug dealer and porn producer. I saw him again on Sunset Strip the other day with my roommate. Josh said he knew this guy, he saw him all the time on Sunset strip selling drugs, like cocaine.

“You better watch out, he is a cocaine dealer.” While we were walking on the strip, Josh told me.

I nodded, and pretended I did not know this guy, I did not want to tell him I already knew him and all that, I did not want to look like an idiot.

Josh said this guy likes to have sex with innocent girls like me from a third-world country. Thank God, I did not devote my virginity to that bustard, I was pretty smart about that. And he never bothered me again since that terribly raining night. It was totally embarrassing. It was like
A wake up call “ Welcome to America! Baby!”I guess we really have to learn from our experience. But if you want me tell you the truth, I hate people in Los Angeles, actually people in general, people in Beijing was not so much different from people here, everyone just cares about sex and money, and nothing else. “No one cares about poetry, arts, beauty, nature and humanity. This materialized society does not give a talented person an opportunity. Everyone just wants to get laid. No one cares about love, compassion, or just simply to say hello when you see somebody on the street. God that drove me nuts, on the first day in Los Angels, I tried to say Hello to everyone I saw on the street, but everyone gave me the look that I should go to hell. It was pretty amazing!”

Josh did not really listen, he was talking about that drug dealer, who is hanging out on sunset like a retard. Josh wanted me to say something about America, or China, or whatever. So I told him my opinion. “ Why are you so negative Niki? Do you have something nice to say?”

“ Nice. What is nice? I certainly don’t have nothing good to say, everyone just wants to fuck me, like a fucking animal, no one gives a shit about the feelings or spiritual things, something higher and larger you know? Just looking all these people on this fucking strip, look at them, if they don’t want to get laid, they would want fucking money so they can have a Ferrari. Or they are fucking depressed, and numb, they support their family, have three meals per day, and the kids go to schools, eventually become machines, and they work, they pay their damn fucking mortgages and they die…that’s it, nothing else. If you look at their eyes, it’s empty, fear and greed, nothing else, if you ask what they want to do with their fucking life, they will look at you like a fucking retard, “ oh, what are you talking about?” God. I’m so sick of those people, they make me sick! They really do! If you ask what they want to accomplish, they will gave you that stupid zombie look, ‘Oh, I want to buy a BMW, and I want to have a four million dollars house!” ask them, 9 of the 10 people will tell you exactly the same thing, yes, they just want money and get laid, to buy a stupid Mercedes or a big fucking empty house so they can feel so lonely, go ask them Josh, just ask any of them, you will know what I’m talking about.”

Josh was obviously not interested in my talking. He was just picking up some stupid girl on the street who was wearing a short skirt and no light on her face. She must be a prostitute, or at least she is trying to be one. So I went up to her, “ Hi, girl, what do you want to do with your life? What is your dream? Don’t tell me your dream is to be a prostitute. You must have a dream when you were a young girl, like 9 years old. “ She was like in her 40s.

“When I was nine years old?” Her voice was shattered, I must have scared
her, so I lowed my voice and whispered to her ear, “Yeah, Miss, what did you want when you were nine years old, you did not want to be a prostitute, did you? You wanted to be a model or an actress, or a singer? Or a dancer? Or a Scientist, come on, you got have some dream…” God I sacred her, I swear god it’s impossible to get some goddamn truth from someone’s mouth.

“Are you crazy?” suddenly she laughed, painfully laughter, and she smiled, painfully smile. “I wanted to be a school teacher when I was nine, actually a kindergarten teacher, I love children.”

“That’s wonderful!” I screamed, very loud. She was finally honest with me, “well, what are you doing here then? To make a living ? or making a life?”

She did not answer my question, for some goddamn reason, she started crying, very hard, I felt her pain, my sympathetic nature made me feel sorry and sad for her.

“I don’t have a life! I have nothing, my mom killed herself last week cause her social security was cut to half, and my father was an alcoholic. He raped me when I was five years old, and my brother is in Jail, he killed his ex-wife cause she was cheating on him, and I am here, in the middle of nowhere, just try to survive, I have nothing, I have nobody, I have no one to depend on, I just wish I was dead, I don’t want to live no more…I really don’t.” her voice became softer and softer, and it was heart broken. Then she started crying, loud, very very loud, the whole strip can hear. She was crying her blood out. The pain was deeply rooted in her bones.

“ What is your name?”

“ Nina”. She said, she was from south America, which country, she did not say, but her English was quite well, she must be born here. Anyhow, I took her home, I mean, I took her to my little apt in Hollywood, and I wanted to share a cup of tea with her. I thought she is an extraordinary woman. Josh disappeared, he said he will have to meet someone for dinner and I said sure, so he vanished like wind. I invited Nina for a cup of tea at my place. I want to listen to her story, and I want to listen to her talk.

“I am fat, ugly! useless…Niki, nobody likes me, and I can’t even get a boyfriend! God I hate men! I just want to kill myself, to be with my mom, God I miss her. The other night I was sitting by my window, a bird flying in, it was a hawk, a red neck hawk, the way she looked me so special, and I felt deeply connected with that bird, I thought it was my mom, she finally came back…to see me. She stayed here for hours, and did not want to fly away, the way she looked me was very special.”

I had tears in my eyes.

God this story killed me. I was sitting there with a cup of tea in my hand, and I was thinking about her mom. It literally touched my heart. She was such a special woman, I mean she was so wonderful and spiritual, we can never judge a book by the cover. She is connected with everything, even a bird. “ Nina, listen, don’t beat yourself up, I think you are wonderful, you are truly amazing, you can do whatever you want in your life, you are beautiful…you are perfect just as the way you are, right now, the future is now, so you are always perfect and beautiful as who you are. That’s so beautiful you felt the bird was your mom, I never heard a story like that, you are a wonderful woman, you have a lot of potential. And you know, you don’t have to die to be with your mom, she is with you, she is with you right here, right now. She is, yes, she is. When you need her, you can talk to her anytime you want. Cause, she never left you. ”

She looked me with those big raven eyes, and she nodded, she smiled, this time, not painfully, but beautifully, she held my hand, and said, “ Thank you, Niki. ” then she left. I never seen her again since, but I know she is doing ok, I never saw her on Sunset Strip again, but I do miss her, and whenever I was walking on the strip, I was still thinking of her, and yes,
her mom and, that bird, too.

The funny thing is I did see a lady looked like her with man eating dinner one day, at the “ Rainbow” restaurant. They were talking and laughing, I thought it was her, but I wasn’t sure, and I was not courageous enough to ask her name. But I hope that girl was her.


---- to be continued

Ch.2.1 Coming to Hollywood--Let me in America!

Chapter 2 Coming to Hollywood

Escape to the U.S.
The far west country with dignity
for better or worse,
I escaped for a reason of opportunity

Let me in America! (1)


The airplane was high above the sky…I saw the white heaven like clouds and the holly sunshine from a whole different perspective. It was my first time to fly…yes, to the sky, to different dimension as you can imagine-- A new land that is full of opportunity.

I was 16 years old. I was innocent. I was hopeful. I carried a heavy dream, and I was nervous. All those years in China prepared a strong spirit, yes, I suffered , yes, I struggled, now everything is about to turn around. I can’t sit still on my seat. I had the window seat, and it was quite convenient. When my parents’ faces dissolved like a vapor in the desert; the great wall vanished in the sight of my proud vision; the small poor village danced away in the wind and eventually became a dream, my illusion told me I’m no long in China, I no long belong to that land…I no longer belong to that village or my past… I’m ON MY WAY TO—America.

Everyone in the airplane seemed all calm and relaxed, I thought I was the only one excited, I was a new fish indeed, for the sake of United States.
I was a little bit upset that my parents did not come to the Airport see me off. Lin was the only one, I guess he really loved me. The truth is my parents could not afford the airplane tickets. Sitting by the window of the plane , my mind was sky-high, the airplane took me all the way above the clouds. It was the first time I was sitting in an airplane, if you want to know the truth. I could not hold my excitement. I was also a little bit afraid, a new country, a new dream, a new life, it all excited me, at the same time it scared me. Do you remember the first time you left your own family to go to a faraway planet to pursue you dreams? If you have ever left your own home, you would understand what I was going through.

So, me, the little girl from China, was waiting for her first bite of this big delicious apple we call America.


I kept looking outside of the plane, the clouds, the universe, a place we can never reach as the airplane flying above the clouds, I felt I was flying too. I saw the clouds, the dazzling sun, the beautiful lucid thin air, a place we call heaven, they were so close to me, and everything on the ground was nothing but blurry memories. I felt my heart filled with gratitude. I remembered it very clearly, when the plane was talking off, I said to myself, “Thank God, I’m leaving this place.”

I could not sit still the whole time; it was my first time to leave my own country and my own home, it was my first time to do something incredible on my own, it was my first time to be so adventurous, I was thrilled, if you want to know how I really felt. The first time to go to a foreign country, the first time to go to America.

An old lady sat next to me. She was in her 30s.

“How old are you?” The lady sat next to me asked me immediately after I put all my luggage down.

“Well, will it make any difference?”

“No. Going school in America? What are you going to do there? First time? I can tell you it’s your first time.”

“Yes, indeed.” I took a long breath.

“What am I going to do in America?...” Wow, she touched the deepest side of my heart.

“To realize my dreams, to see Tom Cruise, to do movies and be a Hollywood star, to realize my childhood dreams…to experience something completely different, to live a life I had never lived before…to discover, to adventure….”

She laughed. A gentle laugh. Her face lit up. She knew exactly what I was talking about.

“To live a fantastic life…you know?” I continued. There was a couple of seconds of silence between us. I was just happy to be there with her. Everyone has a story to tell. Everyone is a story. I thought.

She told me that she lives in America, she had been living there for twenty years, and she was a teacher at Columbia University. So when she asked me what I’m going to do in America. “For a dream.” I simply said.

“ So, your dream is pretty big….good luck young lady. America may not as good as you thought and, Tom Cruise… that’s a fantasy, you know the reality is reality, your dream may never come true…but I admire your courage….”

I was silent. Normally I don’t like people tell me what’s going to happen
before the adventure begins. I mean, I just don’t like negative people, I believe anything is possible. I wish she said: “Ok, Niki, you are such a brave girl, I know your dream will come true…” but that would be phony, cause those good wishes normally are phony and fake, but at least they make me feel good. Anything positive even an illusion would have the possibility come true in reality.

“It’s good to dream when you are still Young. If I were your age, I would probably want to be a dancer…” She continued. I saw a little bit sadness on her face, and it vanished right way.

She looked like in her 30s. Her face looked young and shining, but if you observe carefully, you can tell her age from her the hidden wrinkles around the eyes just underneath the thick make-up, She could be in her 40s. But I did not say anything. Then she asked me how old I think she is.

“How old do I look like? Niki?”

It’s funny, all ladies care about their age, they like to be asked about the age, at the same time they’re afraid.

“30.” I said.

“I wish.” She gave me a big smile, “ I am 45.”

“Really? You don’t look like 45, you look much younger,” even though I kew she could be 40.

“How old are you?” she asked.

“16.”

“I wish I was your age. I envy you. So keep dreaming, no matter how big the dream is…just pursuing it…if you are my age, you would regret if you don’t pursue your dram when you were young. I nodded. I understood her completely.

“That’s why I’m taking a chance, a risk, a adventure…I have to follow my heart, I have nothing else to do…”

She started crying. I don’t know why. I saw her tears came down and it made her make up so messy…I helped her with the tissue. I don’t want to see me like her when I’m her age. I would have noting to regret about.

“Adventure…risk…a chance……” finally she said, “ I wish I took that chance…but I was afraid…I had a dream, just like you, I wanted to conquer the world, I wanted to be the greatest dancer of the world…But…I was worried to fail…they told me not to do so, my family and friends told me I would starve if I dance…so I gave up…but I was never happy about it…I fell like I’m still living in the prison, the prison of my own heart…in the last 30 years, I lived in regret and guilt, cause I did not pursue my dream…I did not follow my heart… deeply inside I feel that pain…it aches when it comes at night…when my kids go to bed…I know I have something to hide…I may not starve now, good money, good career…a fair stable family, kids, but I’m NOT happy.”

She wiped her tears with the tissue I gave her. I understood her pain. I felt sorry for her. I wish everyone got pursue their dreams.

“It’s never too late to pursue your dreams…never. At least you are still alive and you can still do whatever you want…”

“I can’t dance no more…I’m too old…!”

“I don’t think you are too old…..as long as you have a young spirit, you can do anything, you can still do anything, you can change your attitude, and abandon the fear…you can do it, you can do it…”

She smiled…nothing else to say. “ That was really a wishful thinking…”

The rest of the flight, we kept the silence. We all had our own world to think about, our own dream, and love.

Finally one hour before the landing, she talked to me again: “I have a husband, and a 17 years old son. We have been married for twenty years, I just found out that I don’t love him, actually I never loved him, he is a traditional Chinese man, a book-worm, computer geek, so boring, I want someone who is exciting and can take me travel around the whole world.” I saw something really shining in her eyes when she was telling me her story and all that.

“Why don’t you find someone else? You have to do the right thing for yourself.”

I really had pity for her now. I want to see people happy, I want them do what make them happy, but obviously this lady is not happy, all because she married the wrong person, for some goddamn reason. I told myself I can’t make the same mistake like she did. I will never do. Never. I’m smarter than that.

“So, how come you don’t make a change now?”
I asked her.

She did not answer my question directly. But I could feel her loss, her dream, and her desire.

“Sometime I feel like 10 years old, you know, I really feel young inside even though I’m 45 years old physically. It’s just a number you know?”

“Yeah, I know exactly what you’re talking about. I am 16, but sometime, I feel like 60. An old soul. You know what I mean?”

“Yeah, I do, that’s why I thought you’re really mature for your age. Anyway, I want someone who is really fun, enjoys life, like to do different things, go surfing, skiing, go to Africa, see different cultures, and talk to different people, go to national park, or international park, go to Grand Canyon, or Yellow Stone. I’ve never been to those places, and those were all my dreams when I was a little girl.”

I could see her desire and passion, and the longing for a new life in her eyes, I could sense her fantasy, her dreams, her love, her ambition, and her young dynamic heart.

“But the truth is, he’s always home, if not at work, all he talked about all day was computer, even on Christmas, he is insane! And I just realized that I never loved him, I don’t know why I married him at first place.”

“It’s never to late to change, Hong,” Her name is Hong, Poor Hong, not happy, has a lot burden, and she wish she was me, starting a life fresh.

“What’s your dream? Niki?” eventually she asked.

“I want to do Movies, actually that’s why I’m moving to Hollywood, I also want to meet Tom Cruise.”

I don’t know why I told her so directly, but that did not matter to me, I trusted her, and I felt her pain.

“Did you say Tom Cruise?”

“Yes, the Hollywood Movie Star, I love him.”

“He is a great actor, I’m a big fan, did you see “Vanilla Sky?”

I nodded. If you ask me what role I always dreamed to play, I would tell you it’s Penelope Cruz’s role in Vanilla sky, not just because she had a hot steaming love fair with Tom Cruise in the movie; it’s also because that was kind of role I really like to play myself.

Hong noticed the excitement from my eyes when it comes to Tom Cruise. But she did not know there was a long profound story behind.

“This movie makes you think about life. Make you question your own love, life, what is important in life? What is happiness and love? What is dream and reality? Or they are not much different? It makes you question your own existence and what life is truly about. Is there anything more that you could ask from a film?” I started talking about Vanilla Sky. She kept nodding her head, “Yes, yes, that’s exactly how I felt, it makes you question your own love and life.”

“Cruise had said Vanilla Sky is a film you want to see before dinner so you can sit down and talk about it. “That's how the picture works - it makes you want to sit down and talk about it." God, I just love what Tom has to say, he has such a broad vision. He always says things in a different perspective, he said: “The thing that was fascinating to me about the film ( Vanilla Sky) is that it's not culturally-based. When you look at Open Your Eyes, it's kind of dealing with universal themes and those characters could have been anybody. It also left it open-ended where it left room for interpretation”. How true it is. Personally I like movies that are universal too. A great movie that always discusses something could apply for anyone. That’s why Tom also did The Last Samurai. I like movies with open endings too. An open ending leaves us possibility to discuss. It’s life itself.”

Hong just amazed by what I had to say, she was also amazed that I can recite Tom’s own words. Well, I am the girl of Cruise, I know everything about him. And I just love to talk about Tom Cruise, anything about him, I just love to talk about.

So, when I was discussing about Vanilla Sky with this lady on the airplane, I was really excited. “You need not just your eyes to watch this movie, but also your mind, especially your mind. It makes you close your eyes and look inside. It makes you think the inner universe is just as infinite as the outer space…”

Wow, I just loved to talk all about it…what a conversation is that? It was truly amazing. I was just so into it when I talked about Tom Cruise and his movies. The problem with me is that once I get into something, I’m so excited and energetic and all that. Just like Cruise, when I’m talking, it’s like I’m dancing. And I can’t help. I just love to be enthusiastic about things, I like to live life passionately and dynamically.

Hong was so touched by what I said, “If you see him one day, get his autograph for me, would you?”

I nodded.

“By the way, don’t forget me when you become a Superstar!”

I laughed. I promised her I will keep in touch. Seriously, I do want to see how she is doing, and I’m just hoping that everything will work out for her, her family and all that. It’s funny that I’m like her son’s age, but we could communicate like buddies. She is from Shanghai, a rich family. Her father was a major banker in Shanghai, and her mother owned a clothing factory in southern China, they even own a house in New York.

Now I envy her, even though my self-esteem said no, but deeply inside of me, I knew something hurt me. I don’t really know what hurt me, but I know for sure something there made my heart ache. I told Hong that I have worked in a clothing factory before as a sewing girl, she did not believe it.

“Hong, I really hope you will work things out with your husband and all that.” When the plane was about to land, I told her. She said thanks. And I did not have much time to think of anything else, there was a little voice coming from my chest, “America! America!” I did not get a chance to glance from the window what America looked like, I grabbed my only luggage from the top, and held Hong’s hands tightly. “I know you will be doing well. Keep in touch.” She was so moved, I could tell right away that she wish the flight was a little bit longer, well, the truth is when you have the right company, a 12 hours flight isn’t long. I was a little emotional too, she seemed like a caring woman, and I promised her that I will go to New York to visit her sometime.

You can imagine how excited when I walked out of the plane…a new place, a new land, a new dream, a new life… how wonderful…I held my excitement…my heart was dancing in chest like a lightning. The smell of America mixed with all the colors and culture stirred a 16 year’s old’s heart. “This is America…” I heard my inner voice telling me something…but I did not care too much, in my heart, there was one name, one dream, one goal, one world, the world of possibilities, the world of success, the world of glory and love, the world of Top Gun, the world of Tom Cruise. I was not overwhelmed by the freshness of America, I was overwhelmed by my own ecstasy.


If you really want to know the truth, my first impression of America wasn’t elegant. The airport ( LAX) was dark and dirty, people spoke different languages. And the people working there speaking different languages as well, and they seemed not so friendly, they were even rude I say. I saw a lot Asians, not sure they were Chinese or Vietnamese, everyone just looks like Chinese to me. The oppressed environment of LAX wasn’t so friendly, esp. after 911. But I can’t judge a country by the airport, just like you can’t judge a book by the cover. You must dig a lot deeper and I must get out and see, to really see what America is like.


I walked towards the U.S. Custom. There was lot of people. I had to wait in the line…God the line was long. They were almost all Chinese. I did not feel talking to them. I did not see Hong. She must be in different line since she is U.S. citizen.

Finally it was my turn. The officer was around 4o years old, bald, with glasses, and he looked so serious, and that made me nervous, I felt like I was a terrorist or something when he stared me with those firm eyes. I gave him my passport, he examined it, and then he took off his glasses and asked me:

“What are you coming to America for?”

“To see the spring of Los Angeles, and Tom Cruise!”

I said it with delight.

He laughed.

“Los Angeles is Spring four seasons…Tom Cruise? Is every girl coming to America to see Tom Cruise?”

“Well, I hope not.”

I laughed. Thought he was funny.

“Good Luck, young lady, I do wish your dream come true,” he glanced me with a big smile, and put a red stamp on my passport, I felt the spring of Los Angles immediately. I fell in love with this country immediately.



I was eager to leave the airport. With two big luggage in my hand and they were heavy. On one picked me up. I knew nobody, except a high school mate’s brother… But I could not find his number. I was so excited, I did not realize where I was for a moment then I started crying. Cause I felt a little bit lonely.

It was getting dark, & I did not know where to go, I knew nobody after all. I was excited, also scared. But I was eager to see los angles, so I got a taxi, ( I spent my first twenty dollars). I asked the cab driver take me to the beach first, I never saw a beach before, I could tell right away that the cab driver wasn’t from here, because of his accent. I asked him where he was from, he said Iran. It was just exciting to see different people here. In China, all you see were Chinese, and that was boring to me. So he drove me to Venice beach, and I just loved it. I wanted to see the elegant palm trees high above the sky against the crystal blue Pacific. But if you want to know the truth is, the truth is the water wasn’t that crystal blue, although it was blue enough, actually green blue, or a color we call turquoise. I loved the ocean, the first impression of this vast country was replaced by the endless sea and the beautiful palm trees. I forgot all the homeless, dirty streets and all that. I never saw an ocean before, neither a palm tree, it was my first time to see tropic plants and Mother earth Pacific. I was suddenly happy to be there. “I will come back,” I said to myself, there was so much to see in this brand new country, and I wanted to see them all right way!

So I did. I looked at the city, this brand-new country from the bus window, all I saw was the dirty streets, homeless people, and palm trees, honestly, that’s my first impression of this developed country: Dirty, homeless, and palm trees.

Of course I wanted to see Tom Cruise, I wanted to tell him that he changed a girl’s life, a poor little girl from a small village of China, a girl was so poor, and she grew up with starvation, she was also so rich, cause she had Tom Cruise. I wanted to knock on his door and give him a big hug, I wanted to tell him: “Tom, you are right, miracle does exist.” But I never got the chance. First, I did not know where he lives, second, what he would think when a poor girl knocks on his door? he may not believe it. But after all, I just did not have his address, so I had nowhere to find him.

I went to the Hollywood sign afterwards. Hollywood sign truly represented my dreams. I still remember how excited I was when I saw the eight letters against the Hollywood hills. I could not hold my excitement. My heart was beating hard, and I almost wanted to cry, I felt tremendous happiness inside and I heard a voice coming from my chest: “Tom, I’m here!” I wanted to yell loud, so that the whole universe can hear it. The Hollywood sign did represent something, the honor, pride, history, or something eternal to me. Even now, whenever I see the Hollywood sign I still could not hold my excitement, something flowing just like a red river.

After the long flight and excitement, I was finally tired, the taxi driver was kind enough to tell me I could stay at Youth hostel for like twenty bucks per night. And he can give me a free ride. He really helped me find one if you want to know the truth. After I put my luggage in the hotel, I finally relaxed, but not really…I was very sacred, I thought what am I going to do next? I only had 80$ left in my pocket. So I stayed in a youth hostel for the first night.

When I was checking out in the morning, I met a Chinese guy named Bill. He is from China. He goes to school in Massachusetts, and he came here Los Angeles to visit a friend. I told him why I came to the US, “You came here alone?” He asked me with surprise.

“Yes.”

“Do you know anyone here in the US?”

I shook my head, and he was completely surprised. He said his friend is a PHD at UCLA, and he might be able to help me. And maybe I could sleep on his couch till I find my own place.

To be honest, I did not even want to accept the offer, not because I was arrogant, I thought to myself, I came to America for adventure, to talk to people with different color, living with a Chinese in America was not my intention here in America. “ If I really want to practice my Chinese, better go back to China!” I was pretty disappointed. However, I did feel lonely, and I was homesick, first time in a foreign country, I was even a little fearful. I thought about it for a while, eventually I said I can go to see his friend who lives around UCLA campus.

The guy’s name was Bing, a PHD in Physics. He was 35 years old, and has been single all his life. Well, I did not care to know about his personal life, but he told me once he met me. I disliked him immediately. Not because I’m hardcore to deal with. I guess we’re just completely different person. I had to converse with him in Chinese, I said to myself, what the hell, I’m here to practice my English, if I need to practice Chinese and hang out with Chinese all day and I better go back to great wall!

That was obviously not me, I wanted to see the world, see different people and different culture, only the new things interest me, I’m kind of person that I can’t stand the same old, that’s why I left the village, left China, that’s why I find out Tom Cruise is so inspiring. He is always open himself to the unending possibilities, he loves adventures. I got his spirit deeply inside of me, and that’s unchangeable.

As a matter of fact, I did stay on this Chinese’s guy’s coach. I did not hate it, he was pretty nice guy actually. Even though we were completely different.

He was traditional and conservative, I’m open and adventurous. He was pretty happy to meet a Chinese folk like me, in that way, I really appreciated him a lot. He’s kind of person loves to help all the new fishes from China. And that made him simply lovely. He even took me for dinner that night, guess what? Chinese food. I was thinking about Macdonald or KFC. Thank God he took me to Chinatown, and that was truly amazing, it seemed like I had never had Chinese food. And everyone in the restaurant communicated in Chinese…what the hell, it almost like I was in China! Don’t get me wrong, I do love my people and my language, but I’m here not to speak Chinese and eat the second-hand Chinese food, it’s ridiculous. I am here for something completely different! If I was content in the small village, I will never want to come out here to America! Anyway, Bing only eats Chinese food and hangs out with Chinese folks. It seems like he never got enough of Chinese.

The truth is in the past 16 years I have got enough Chinese, now it’s the time to change.

We are all one, all the same, it does not matter you are black or white, Hispanic, or Asian, the bottom line is you got accept all cultures, But Mr. Tang, his friends were all Chinese, and he has been in the US, for how long? Ten years? It’s truly amazing.

I asked him why he came to America if he likes to speak Chinese and be with Chinese. He had a big grin on his face, “ They pay me a lot more money here in the US, I can buy a nice big house, I’m middle class....I can live much more comfortably, I can have more money to have a luxury material life style!”

I sighed. Came to America to dig gold? That’s the whole purpose? That’s kind of sad…I asked him why he doesn’t have any American friends, he said they don’t understand Chinese culture, and he has no common with them, I laughed, “You have to tell them and try to communicate with people, tell them your culture, at the same time you learn theirs, that’s called learning right? If you don’t communicate, how the hell you understand??”

I don’t know if I should feel happy for him or feel sorry. It was my second day in America, I met a Chinese folk, it’s all good, at least I was no longer homesick. Actually it lifted up my spirit, made me want to explore this brand-new land we call The United States Of America.

Ch.2.2 Coming to Hollywood--(Hollywood, Hollywood!)

Hollywood, Hollywood!(2)

“ Only in the unlimited sky, you can fly.”

--My Grandpa


The excitement and expectation fell down right to the ground after the first week. My life was replaced with confusion and loneliness. I was eager to see Tom Cruise, realize my dreams, do movies and all that. But the beautiful dreams were like bubbles over the ocean edge, eventually it disappeared, like a vapor in the desert.

I was truly foolish. I was expecting all the dreams come true in one week!
I was so naïve. I thought I will meet Tom Cruise on the second day when I come to America, so I can realize my dreams, he will put me in a big movie, and I will be a big star overnight. But that’s not how things work. At least not for me, I don’t mean I you can’t succeed over night. At least that’s not my destiny, just look at my history, you know I have to fight for my own happiness. And it’s not easy. I was not being realistic. I never was. I am a dreamer, what can I say? Sometime the dream can ruin your life in the most destructive way.

As you can imagine, the dream of meeting Tom Cruise felt apart right way. Disappointment, expectation, and the dream from childhood were all buried in the currents of this sophisticated city.

I lost ten pounds in a week. I was already thin, now great I lost some more pounds. As you may know, I moved out from that Chinese guy’s couch. He was a nice guy and all, but I was just sick and tried of speaking Chinese. I was eager to practice my English. I must find an American roommate. I promised Bing I will remain friends with him. And I said thank you and that was it. He was little bit sad, for some god damn reason. I don’t know why, I liked the guy, he is a good person, he just has his limitation. And I should be tolerant I guess, accept people exactly the way they are. Anyway, I started looking for my own place. So I found one. I found this little Apt neat Hollywood Whitey, and this guy was looking for a roommate, so I called him, and I thought he was nice so I decided to move in. But the price is I had to sleep on the couch, it was one bedroom , he was a poor actor, and he needed someone share his rent, I told him I can give him $100 per month, if all I can do, he looked at me said sure if you an find a job right way. “ I don’t think you have any money…” “No, I only got $2 in my pocket, and I will start working on a tea house.” That’s what I told him, I was so sure about myself, he believed me, he believed me right way. Even though sleeping on the couch was not my specialty, but the truth is I already used to it. It’s not like I never done it before. I lived in a couch for six months while I was in Beijing, plus, I was young, this kind of hardship was not a problem, all I wanted was to meet Tom Cruise and start my career as an actress. I kept reminding myself that I came here for a higher purpose, for a divine reason, even though I was poor and had absolute nothing, but things will get better. I told myself every single time when I feel damn low. The suffering and experience in China prepared my ability and spirit to live and survive in a foreign country like United States. And I was pretty lucky, cause I knew I’m different, I knew I have a strong spirit, I knew I was special and I can conquer anything. I had the most beautiful thing in the world: Courage.

And my apt was in great location, it was blocks from the famous Chinese Grumman Theater and it was right on the walk of fame. I was right in the middle of action I thought. Anyway, I should thank Bing now, wherever he is now, I hope he is happy. He was truly a nice guy, he let me stay at his house, and he even found a job, my first job in America-- working in a Chinese tea house near Chinatown.

The tea house serves organic tea from China. Everyday I took the train to work, and it was quite convenient. I don’t have a car. I don’t know how to drive, I don’t have a driver license even though I was sixteen years old.
I had my sixteen birthday on the airplane when I got here. So it was not just a coincidence, it means something to me. I was an adult. I was already grown up.


Well, working in the tea house wasn’t enough. Los Angles is very expensive, and I must find my way to survive. Pretty soon, I got the second job to give away free movie tickets. All I needed to do was standing outside of a mall or something to give away these freaky tickets. I would make ten bucks out of each person who would go see the movie. They had to call and make a reservation and all that, otherwise I would not get paid for a penny. The truth is this job was pretty boring, and I quit it on the second week. I found another boring job as you can imagine: making coffees in Starbucks. They pay me $7 per hour to make the damn coffee. I took the job cause I had to survive. They paid me under table, yes, cash, I was pretty happy. But I was barely surviving. I had no extra money, beside food and rent, I had no money for nothing else. Sometimes. I was worried I would not be able to pay rent and Adam might kick me out. My parents were always proud of me, I was like a phoenix flying away from that small village, even my grandma was happy that I came to the US. But nobody knew that I’m here cleaning dished and waiting tables, and serving Chinese organic tea for rich Americans.

I was very depressed. Really. I had no friends, no family. I was totally alone, and I had no money. I never liked the work I was doing…I thought I came here for a dream, I wanted to do something bigger, I did not want to do something just to make the dough. It was pretty sad. You must love what you do, do what you love. We are here not to make a living, we are here to make a life, to make miracle happen.

I was eager to see Tom Cruise of course. I told my roommate that, he thought I was crazy. Well, he was surely not the first one to tell me that. I bought a star map on Hollywood Blvd, and tried to find out where Tom Cruise lived. There was an address there on the map, however, it turned out it was not updated. But at least I knew I was on the right track. I did what I could to make my dream come true…but I did not know, it was a tough start, I was far from realizing my dream, I was not even close.

But I knew one thing: I must go out to meet people, opportunity never just come to my doorway…I must open up and make some friends. At least I need someone I can talk to share my dreams.

I was also trying to make new friends, but I was not trying to meet Chinese. It was funny my roommate Adam suggest me to move to Chinatown so I can meet Chinese and feel safe in America if I feel lonely here in Hollywood. I said no thanks. I am fine here. It was funny. I don’t care about your color, as long as we share the same interest, we can be friends, no matter you are white or black…all is fine to me. we’re a big family……But the problem is I’ve been criticized by my Chinese friends, and they don’t like the idea that to be open to all colors.

And I did not want to explain, sometime, I just had to learn how to protect my own soul. The problem with me is I wear my heart on my sleeves, which most people don’t. Whenever people ask me why I’m here in the US, and I tell them all my story, and they laugh at me: “Niki,…why don’t you do something with your life?!” And it was not so encouraging.

“Well, I’m living my life, I’m doing my best to live a fabulous life! I have a job, I’m trying to get an agent, I’m also working on a screenplay. I am doing it!” That’s what I told them.

It was funny everyone seemed try to tell you how to live your life, and no one wanted to change their own. I figured I shouldn’t mention Tom Cruise any more when next time I talk to a stranger. That’s something they will never understand. Even my Chinese friends thought I was crazy after I told them my life in the small village. It was funny, your own people don’t understand you cause they did not experience what you experienced, and that did not really bother me, cause I’m not looking for approval from anybody, just like Tom, Tom Cruise never seeks approval. He’s just so comfortable to be who he is regardless of other people’s cliché. But one thing really bothered me, all my Chinese friends told me I should marry a Chinese. It was so annoying. I understand you got love your own people and you own culture, but as far as love and marriage, just leave it to the two hearts. I know a lot Chinese in America only marry Chinese. They say my parents want me marry Chinese cause I have to carry the Chinese family name and have the Chinese blood for the offspring. But who cares if your offspring is 100 % Chinese or a quarter? The question is are you happy? Well, I know most couples are not happy esp. when they have kids. However, they are still not open enough to accept a lover from different country. Since they are very racist and narrow-minded, they think white people is too this or too that, and Chinese is only right for Chinese. What a tragic limit?! A lot of American friends ask me: “You parents ONLY want you date Chinese guys?” And every time I had to laugh. Where did they get the impression? Asian only dates Asians?” I have the coolest parents on earth…!” I told them.“ My parents want me date whoever I want to date! Black, white, yellow, brown, you name it.” They were astonished by my answer. They said all the Asian people they know only date Asians. But not me. Even if my parents told me only date Chinese, I would probably just date anyone but Chinese. I’m just such a goddamn rebel! What can I say? We don’t need people tell what we should do and how we lead our life including our parents. So make your own decision, and be open. That’s what I would tell my kids. I also know a lot white boys only date Asians or Chinese.

I have a friend, he only dates Chinese woman. God I hate that. He thinks American woman is too spoiled and all that. I don’t much think so. I really think that’s very limited. I would date whomever I love. It does not matter he is white or black, Asian or Hispanic. Really. But the fact is that I’m in Love with Tom, and I can’t betray my heart and try to date someone else. I have to be faithful to my own will and love. That’s all. And he just happens to be white, he just happens to be Tom Cruise. A lot people say I want to date Tom and all that because of money and fame. I have to laugh, cause I have said a thousand times that I can’t wait till he is not rich and famous to love him, forks! It’s nothing to do with it, if he is a news paper deliverer or a baker or something? I would still love him the same, but the ironic thing is if he is not famous, I would not have not known him at first place.

My American roommate Josh is half white half Hispanic, he is pretty cool, and his girl was Mexican, he is really open , just like me, that’s why he offered me his coach to sleep at night, and only charge me for $100 . but the truth is it’s a one bedroom apt, every night, his girl friend comes over and most of the time, she spent the whole night there, and I just can’t take it. I may already told you what happen to me when I first time went to Beijing, I can’t tell you how it feels to a 13 years old girl listen to the noise of love –making. I was so scared. But now, I’m much older, 16, I did not complain much, but the fact is I dislike the noise and they made love every night, of course later on I moved out because of that, and I swear god I will never live with a couple especially when you are single, that’s truly a distaste feeling. And I can’t describe how lonely and desperate my heart was. Adam was cool. His friends are from all over the world, and he has friend who is white, that has the same problem: Only loves Asian woman, and recently he just married a Chinese girl and whey met on the internet and dated and married and all that, in two months! Normally a guy who is ONLY obsessed with only one type of people is not very open. It’s ok if you are interested in one certain of culture. But Love is not limited by culture, and it’s pretty much nothing to do with it.

A lot guys only want Chinese woman, I guess in their mind, Asian women are very traditional and conservative. Maybe that’s part of reason they like Asian women. They think Asian women would do anything and everything for their husbands, like cooking, cleaning, taking care babes, giving the husband feet massage every night etc. And they think that’s their obligation. They have to do it for their men and should not ask for return, should never complain. My roommate Adam took me to his friend Rick’s house for Chinese new year. Rick married a young Chinese lady. He was like 40, and she was only 20. Rick has been searching all his life to find a Chinese wife, 20 years in a row, now his dream finally came true. Ling, his wife does all the cooking and housework. Guess what he said to his wife when his wife was asking for help in the kitchen before all the people at his house for dinner. I thought it was pretty embarrassing, for a 40 years old gentleman like him. I’m not sure if he was just showing off or joking.” Honey, can you help me out? Four things on the stove now!” His wife was doing ten things in the kitchen. I offered to help, but she did not let me.

Her husband was drinking a beer and sitting on the couch and doing nothing. And he said it very proudly: “You are Chinese and you are my wife, you are supposed to do all the housework and take care of your husband, that’s why we got married right?” Listen to him. His tone was so strong. It seemed like that’s the way it is. It was funny to see guys to behave like such a gentleman, god I hate that! He was phony as hell! Thank god I did not marry him. Well, I am not a feminist, I’m a humanist, I just hate guys order you around, especially someone you’re in love with. They thought they bought you and can order you around. God I hate that. It seemed like it’s a matter of course. His wife didn’t say a thing. But I could tell she was pretty upset. I helped her put the food on the table and clean the dishes afterwards.

I don’t know what I would feel if my husband kicks back in the living room and gives me such attitude when I ask for help. I know I would not have married him at first place. Guys are attractive to Asian woman is a good thing. I’m Asian, I want our women be loved, no matter it’s white or black. Of course that includes me. I’m proud of my race and my look. I’m just proud of who I am. Most guys who want an Asian wife is very closed minded. They may not love this particular girl; they marry them cause simply they are Asian, cause they are eastern, oriental, cause they are exotic. And they may not love this particular woman, they just simply profiled. They may not appreciate a woman as an individual, all the Asian women are special to them, it means no one is special.

I know I have chosen a good man, Tom is a open guy, I know he would care that my being Asian; I know he would give me a hand if I ask for help in the kitchen. Actually Tom does cook, he is an excellent cook. God I love guys who can cook, and enjoy doing house work.

Anyhow, My parents moved to the city after I moved to America. They live right on the edge of city. They sell vegetables everyday to make a living, they live in a bad neighborhood, a small apt can only good for two people. Anyhow, my parent’s neighbor asked my Mom who I’m going to get married. “My daughter is going to marry Tom Cruise!” My mom told her. God it was funny. She still does not know who Tom Cruise is, neither the neighbor. She is like y mom’s age, and she has a daughter that is a few years older than me. She is 18. In such a young age, her mother already found her a husband, a rich one.

The arranged marriages are still very popular in China, both in the city
and the countryside. And the city of Xi’an is over seven thousands years
old, perhaps the most old-fashioned city in china. So worrying about your children’s marriage is every parent’s agenda.


Ms. Chao, the neighbor of my parents, got her daughter married a rich man. She criticized about me being in America, being single, and no children. It was funny that my mom told her that I’m going to marry Tom Cruise. I haven’t met Ms Chao.I was not all excited after I heard the news. Leaving the village was a big challenge for them, I guess it’s because of my influence, now everybody wants to come to the US. I had a distant uncle who lives in Xi’an, and he helped my parents out. And the fact is, my father started staying ad and finally went to college in his 40s. and my parents never really pushed me to do anything, they never even tried to control my life, God I hate a lot Chinese, they don’t like their life, so they try to control their children’s life, they point the finger to anyone else who does not obey the stupidity and tradition, those who have their thoughts of their own, those who are open and independent. And I thank God my parents are not like that, even when I said I want to move to the city after I saw Top Gun, they did not really try to change me. They were just worried. Cause my grandma was in charge, and her life was shaped by the old rules, and she is still living in the burden of tradition, the shadow of history and family. And she always condemns me that I have a free spirit. Including my parents’ new neighbor. It was funny. I was not affected at all.

Friedrich Nietzche said: “Those who were dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.” Ms. Chao goes to my parent’s house everyday to complain. She thinks I am bad, I’m wrong to pursue my own American dream. My mom told her I am ok in America, actually “She is pretty happy, she is doing ok.” “She is supposed to get married and have children. “She is still a kid!” My mom yelled. “ Her life just started!” Even my mom who brought up in a traditional family opened up her mind to the real definition of happiness and liberation after all these year’s struggling and self-realization.

My parents don’t put any pressure on me, they know I’m my own woman, and I can take care of myself, and I don’t have to rely on a husband to be happy, of course when love sneaks in, that’s something different. Ms Chao thought I’m totally wasting my life in the US, and she is the one who goes to Macdonald all the time. MacDonald is quite expensive and classy in China, it’s the symbol of trendy and luxury, and I remember how I stepped in for the first time, if not for showing off, normal people don’t go there just for a big fat cheese burg. It’s funny that how people living in fear and doubts. She also complains about her daughter not smart enough to be on her own. She had to marry a smarter man. So that one day her daughter can come to America with her rich husband for a better life. It’s very interesting to see that a lot Chinese say bad things about America and they point the finger to whoever has the ability to come to America. And they do what it takes to get their children on the way to America, only for a good life, cause why? Cause we all know America is rich right? Everyone comes to America seems to dig gold, but not me, I have a purpose, I have a dream, I have something I always wanted to accomplish, if I can conquer a small village, I can conquer the world. And I came to America is for a higher purpose, for a big dream, for my own legend; and that’s what’s going to fill my soul. I love to explore, to experience, I love adventure, and take risks, I want to be Top Gun, and meet Tom Cruise. To dig for gold? I am the gold.

I went to a Chinese Holiday Party on the second week I moved to the states. Bing told me to go. Since I don’t have many friends, so I said what the hell. Nothing I can lose.

Of course, everybody there is Chinese. They saw me wearing low cut jeans, and a tight shirt with my belly button showing, they immediately felt disturbed, they stared at my bare belly for a long time, actually not bare, I bought an silver shining belly button on it, it looked cool, I swear god I was so beautiful that night. But everyone looked at me like an enemy. I danced all night long, with the only white boy there, and all the Chinese just staring at us, perhaps was giving us fingers. That’s all right. I did enjoy myself quite bit. We dance hip-hop, jazz, and tango. And we even did break dance! I would not say I’m a break dancer, but I definitely can do some crazy shit, like spin my body around the floor, and put the head down and the whole body up straight to the air and all that. Well, I’m Chinese right? I better know how to kick. Actually I do know some extreme poses, like kick your legs straight to the air, and spits. And I do kick ass sometime, I wonder why I kept all the guys away, maybe they knew I know martial arts. But dance is a different form than martial arts, it requites the flexibility and beauty of the movement. So I actually enjoy dancing more than martial arts, I can kick and scream and all that, but I can’t handle those Chinese in the party that day. But I have to admit that I had a good time! I truly enjoyed myself, and man, It was fun! That was probably the happiest night I had since I came to America. God, I love dancing! I don’t want to say I am a pro, but I am pretty good, if you want to know the truth,. The guy who dance with me kept giving me complements, and that made me feel good. Well, I am a good dancer. I was on the dance floor for the whole night, and I was shining and being free, I thought I was flying, ad all my dream suddenly came true. God I wish that guy was Tom Cruise, Tom is a good dancer too, his energy is amazing, I bet he can keep me up on the dance flour. He better.

I was wiping my sweats on my face after two hours non-stop spins and all that, one girl came to me and whispered at my ears, “Niki, how about all the Chinese guys?”

I laughed. “ Look at them, they don’t even want to move their ass!”

She could not say anything and went back to the corner and sitting there and continued drinking her tea.

It’s true, all the Chinese guys were all sitting in the corner and be silent while the techno music spins all over the room. And it was only the white boy came to me asked to dance with him,. Of course I moved my ass to the dance floor first, I was the first one. I don’t care, to be honest. No one taught me how to dance, and just have to enjoy myself, and let my body flow, and I remember one girl asked me how to dance, I said just move your ass, that’s what I told her. Feel free, let your mind and body go, just enjoy this moment. Once you let your mind go, your body knows completely t how to enjoy the music.

The music was still on, even when I left, the beats were still going, but now. No one on the dance floor, the music was shaking on its own, all the Chinese just sitting around looking at the music dancing itself on the floor. It was quite depressing, phony I thought. Glooming, man get there and move your ass, let yourself go. I really can’t imagine how a bunch of Chinese stuck tighter and just playing poker, God that kills me. You can’t expect one Chinese dance like a queen or king feeling released, and comfortable on a dance floor. I guess that’s another reason why I moved to the United Stated, besides Tom Cruise of course. If you say Chinese people are too serious, I don’t blame you. Cause they are, they just want to stick together and play stupid poker, they have no sense of adventure whatsoever. I thank God I got my ass moved and gave them an example. If Tom were here, man, he will laugh his ass off, he is a high-energy guy, he will dance wherever he can, I bet you that he will make the best dance partner ever.

“Niki, You are Chinese! Don’t lose your identity!” I heard another voice from behind while I was about to go out with the boy I was dancing with.

“I’m universal! I’m world citizen!”

That’s what I said. Man, they were so mad, they looked at me like a madman.

“Let’s get out here, Ben!” I grabbed Ben’s arm, and we jumped to his black shining Toyota, soon we disappeared in the darkness without looking back to the building with all the shadow and clouds. I thought to myself, “What a beautiful night.”

Ch.2.1 Coming to Hollywood--Let me in America!

Escape to the U.S.
The far west country with dignity
for better or worse,
I escaped for a reason of opportunity


Let me in America!(1)

At the US custom in LAX, The officer asked me:
“What are you coming to America for?”
“To see the spring of Los Angeles, and Tom Cruise!”
I said it with delight.
He laughed.“Los Angeles is Spring four seasons…Tom Cruise? Is every girl coming to America to see Tom Cruise?”
“Well, I hope not.”
I laughed, and thought he was funny. I fell in love with the country immediately.



The airplane was high above the sky…I saw the white heaven like clouds and the holly sunshine from a whole different perspective. It was my first time to fly…yes, to the sky, to different dimension as you can imagine-- A new land that is full of opportunity.

I was 16 years old. I was innocent. I was hopeful. I carried a heavy dream, and I was nervous. All those years in China prepared a strong spirit, yes, I suffered , yes, I struggled, now everything is about to turn around. I can’t sit still on my seat. I had the window seat, and it was quite convenient. When my parents’ faces dissolved like a vapor in the desert; the great wall vanished in the sight of my proud vision; the small poor village danced away in the wind and eventually became a dream, my illusion told me I’m no long in China, I no long belong to that land…I no longer belong to that village or my past… I’m ON MY WAY TO—America.

Everyone in the airplane seemed all calm and relaxed, I thought I was the only one excited, I was a new fish indeed, for the sake of United States.
I was a little bit upset that my parents did not come to the Airport see me off. Lin was the only one, I guess he really loved me. The truth is my parents could not afford the airplane tickets. Sitting by the window of the plane , my mind was sky-high, the airplane took me all the way above the clouds. It was the first time I was sitting in an airplane, if you want to know the truth. I could not hold my excitement. I was also a little bit afraid, a new country, a new dream, a new life, it all excited me, at the same time it scared me. Do you remember the first time you left your own family to go to a faraway planet to pursue you dreams? If you have ever left your own home, you would understand what I was going through.

So, me, the little girl from China, was waiting for her first bite of this big delicious apple we call America.


I kept looking outside of the plane, the clouds, the universe, a place we can never reach as the airplane flying above the clouds, I felt I was flying too. I saw the clouds, the dazzling sun, the beautiful lucid thin air, a place we call heaven, they were so close to me, and everything on the ground was nothing but blurry memories. I felt my heart filled with gratitude. I remembered it very clearly, when the plane was talking off, I said to myself, “Thank God, I’m leaving this place.”

I could not sit still the whole time; it was my first time to leave my own country and my own home, it was my first time to do something incredible on my own, it was my first time to be so adventurous, I was thrilled, if you want to know how I really felt. The first time to go to a foreign country, the first time to go to America.

An old lady sat next to me. She was in her 30s.

“How old are you?” The lady sat next to me asked me immediately after I put all my luggage down.

“Well, will it make any difference?”

“No. Going school in America? What are you going to do there? First time? I can tell you it’s your first time.”

“Yes, indeed.” I took a long breath.

“What am I going to do in America?...” Wow, she touched the deepest side of my heart.

“To realize my dreams, to see Tom Cruise, to do movies and be a Hollywood star, to realize my childhood dreams…to experience something completely different, to live a life I had never lived before…to discover, to adventure….”

She laughed. A gentle laugh. Her face lit up. She knew exactly what I was talking about.

“To live a fantastic life…you know?” I continued. There was a couple of seconds of silence between us. I was just happy to be there with her. Everyone has a story to tell. Everyone is a story. I thought.

She told me that she lives in America, she had been living there for twenty years, and she was a teacher at Columbia University. So when she asked me what I’m going to do in America. “For a dream.” I simply said.

“ So, your dream is pretty big….good luck young lady. America may not as good as you thought and, Tom Cruise… that’s a fantasy, you know the reality is reality, your dream may never come true…but I admire your courage….”

I was silent. Normally I don’t like people tell me what’s going to happen
before the adventure begins. I mean, I just don’t like negative people, I believe anything is possible. I wish she said: “Ok, Niki, you are such a brave girl, I know your dream will come true…” but that would be phony, cause those good wishes normally are phony and fake, but at least they make me feel good. Anything positive even an illusion would have the possibility come true in reality.

“It’s good to dream when you are still Young. If I were your age, I would probably want to be a dancer…” She continued. I saw a little bit sadness on her face, and it vanished right way.

She looked like in her 30s. Her face looked young and shining, but if you observe carefully, you can tell her age from her the hidden wrinkles around the eyes just underneath the thick make-up, She could be in her 40s. But I did not say anything. Then she asked me how old I think she is.

“How old do I look like? Niki?”

It’s funny, all ladies care about their age, they like to be asked about the age, at the same time they’re afraid.

“30.” I said.

“I wish.” She gave me a big smile, “ I am 45.”

“Really? You don’t look like 45, you look much younger,” even though I kew she could be 40.

“How old are you?” she asked.

“16.”

“I wish I was your age. I envy you. So keep dreaming, no matter how big the dream is…just pursuing it…if you are my age, you would regret if you don’t pursue your dram when you were young. I nodded. I understood her completely.

“That’s why I’m taking a chance, a risk, a adventure…I have to follow my heart, I have nothing else to do…”

She started crying. I don’t know why. I saw her tears came down and it made her make up so messy…I helped her with the tissue. I don’t want to see me like her when I’m her age. I would have noting to regret about.

“Adventure…risk…a chance……” finally she said, “ I wish I took that chance…but I was afraid…I had a dream, just like you, I wanted to conquer the world, I wanted to be the greatest dancer of the world…But…I was worried to fail…they told me not to do so, my family and friends told me I would starve if I dance…so I gave up…but I was never happy about it…I fell like I’m still living in the prison, the prison of my own heart…in the last 30 years, I lived in regret and guilt, cause I did not pursue my dream…I did not follow my heart… deeply inside I feel that pain…it aches when it comes at night…when my kids go to bed…I know I have something to hide…I may not starve now, good money, good career…a fair stable family, kids, but I’m NOT happy.”

She wiped her tears with the tissue I gave her. I understood her pain. I felt sorry for her. I wish everyone got pursue their dreams.

“It’s never too late to pursue your dreams…never. At least you are still alive and you can still do whatever you want…”

“I can’t dance no more…I’m too old…!”

“I don’t think you are too old…..as long as you have a young spirit, you can do anything, you can still do anything, you can change your attitude, and abandon the fear…you can do it, you can do it…”

She smiled…nothing else to say. “ That was really a wishful thinking…”

The rest of the flight, we kept the silence. We all had our own world to think about, our own dream, and love.

Finally one hour before the landing, she talked to me again: “I have a husband, and a 17 years old son. We have been married for twenty years, I just found out that I don’t love him, actually I never loved him, he is a traditional Chinese man, a book-worm, computer geek, so boring, I want someone who is exciting and can take me travel around the whole world.” I saw something really shining in her eyes when she was telling me her story and all that.

“Why don’t you find someone else? You have to do the right thing for yourself.”

I really had pity for her now. I want to see people happy, I want them do what make them happy, but obviously this lady is not happy, all because she married the wrong person, for some goddamn reason. I told myself I can’t make the same mistake like she did. I will never do. Never. I’m smarter than that.

“So, how come you don’t make a change now?”
I asked her.

She did not answer my question directly. But I could feel her loss, her dream, and her desire.

“Sometime I feel like 10 years old, you know, I really feel young inside even though I’m 45 years old physically. It’s just a number you know?”

“Yeah, I know exactly what you’re talking about. I am 16, but sometime, I feel like 60. An old soul. You know what I mean?”

“Yeah, I do, that’s why I thought you’re really mature for your age. Anyway, I want someone who is really fun, enjoys life, like to do different things, go surfing, skiing, go to Africa, see different cultures, and talk to different people, go to national park, or international park, go to Grand Canyon, or Yellow Stone. I’ve never been to those places, and those were all my dreams when I was a little girl.”

I could see her desire and passion, and the longing for a new life in her eyes, I could sense her fantasy, her dreams, her love, her ambition, and her young dynamic heart.

“But the truth is, he’s always home, if not at work, all he talked about all day was computer, even on Christmas, he is insane! And I just realized that I never loved him, I don’t know why I married him at first place.”

“It’s never to late to change, Hong,” Her name is Hong, Poor Hong, not happy, has a lot burden, and she wish she was me, starting a life fresh.

“What’s your dream? Niki?” eventually she asked.

“I want to do Movies, actually that’s why I’m moving to Hollywood, I also want to meet Tom Cruise.”

I don’t know why I told her so directly, but that did not matter to me, I trusted her, and I felt her pain.

“Did you say Tom Cruise?”

“Yes, the Hollywood Movie Star, I love him.”

“He is a great actor, I’m a big fan, did you see “Vanilla Sky?”

I nodded. If you ask me what role I always dreamed to play, I would tell you it’s Penelope Cruz’s role in Vanilla sky, not just because she had a hot steaming love fair with Tom Cruise in the movie; it’s also because that was kind of role I really like to play myself.

Hong noticed the excitement from my eyes when it comes to Tom Cruise. But she did not know there was a long profound story behind.

“This movie makes you think about life. Make you question your own love, life, what is important in life? What is happiness and love? What is dream and reality? Or they are not much different? It makes you question your own existence and what life is truly about. Is there anything more that you could ask from a film?” I started talking about Vanilla Sky. She kept nodding her head, “Yes, yes, that’s exactly how I felt, it makes you question your own love and life.”

“Cruise had said Vanilla Sky is a film you want to see before dinner so you can sit down and talk about it. “That's how the picture works - it makes you want to sit down and talk about it." God, I just love what Tom has to say, he has such a broad vision. He always says things in a different perspective, he said: “The thing that was fascinating to me about the film ( Vanilla Sky) is that it's not culturally-based. When you look at Open Your Eyes, it's kind of dealing with universal themes and those characters could have been anybody. It also left it open-ended where it left room for interpretation”. How true it is. Personally I like movies that are universal too. A great movie that always discusses something could apply for anyone. That’s why Tom also did The Last Samurai. I like movies with open endings too. An open ending leaves us possibility to discuss. It’s life itself.”

Hong just amazed by what I had to say, she was also amazed that I can recite Tom’s own words. Well, I am the girl of Cruise, I know everything about him. And I just love to talk about Tom Cruise, anything about him, I just love to talk about.

So, when I was discussing about Vanilla Sky with this lady on the airplane, I was really excited. “You need not just your eyes to watch this movie, but also your mind, especially your mind. It makes you close your eyes and look inside. It makes you think the inner universe is just as infinite as the outer space…”

Wow, I just loved to talk all about it…what a conversation is that? It was truly amazing. I was just so into it when I talked about Tom Cruise and his movies. The problem with me is that once I get into something, I’m so excited and energetic and all that. Just like Cruise, when I’m talking, it’s like I’m dancing. And I can’t help. I just love to be enthusiastic about things, I like to live life passionately and dynamically.

Hong was so touched by what I said, “If you see him one day, get his autograph for me, would you?”

I nodded.

“By the way, don’t forget me when you become a Superstar!”

I laughed. I promised her I will keep in touch. Seriously, I do want to see how she is doing, and I’m just hoping that everything will work out for her, her family and all that. It’s funny that I’m like her son’s age, but we could communicate like buddies. She is from Shanghai, a rich family. Her father was a major banker in Shanghai, and her mother owned a clothing factory in southern China, they even own a house in New York.

Now I envy her, even though my self-esteem said no, but deeply inside of me, I knew something hurt me. I don’t really know what hurt me, but I know for sure something there made my heart ache. I told Hong that I have worked in a clothing factory before as a sewing girl, she did not believe it.

“Hong, I really hope you will work things out with your husband and all that.” When the plane was about to land, I told her. She said thanks. And I did not have much time to think of anything else, there was a little voice coming from my chest, “America! America!” I did not get a chance to glance from the window what America looked like, I grabbed my only luggage from the top, and held Hong’s hands tightly. “I know you will be doing well. Keep in touch.” She was so moved, I could tell right away that she wish the flight was a little bit longer, well, the truth is when you have the right company, a 12 hours flight isn’t long. I was a little emotional too, she seemed like a caring woman, and I promised her that I will go to New York to visit her sometime.

You can imagine how excited when I walked out of the plane…a new place, a new land, a new dream, a new life… how wonderful…I held my excitement…my heart was dancing in chest like a lightning. The smell of America mixed with all the colors and culture stirred a 16 year’s old’s heart. “This is America…” I heard my inner voice telling me something…but I did not care too much, in my heart, there was one name, one dream, one goal, one world, the world of possibilities, the world of success, the world of glory and love, the world of Top Gun, the world of Tom Cruise. I was not overwhelmed by the freshness of America, I was overwhelmed by my own ecstasy.


If you really want to know the truth, my first impression of America wasn’t elegant. The airport ( LAX) was dark and dirty, people spoke different languages. And the people working there speaking different languages as well, and they seemed not so friendly, they were even rude I say. I saw a lot Asians, not sure they were Chinese or Vietnamese, everyone just looks like Chinese to me. The oppressed environment of LAX wasn’t so friendly, esp. after 911. But I can’t judge a country by the airport, just like you can’t judge a book by the cover. You must dig a lot deeper and I must get out and see, to really see what America is like.


I walked towards the U.S. Custom. There was lot of people. I had to wait in the line…God the line was long. They were almost all Chinese. I did not feel talking to them. I did not see Hong. She must be in different line since she is U.S. citizen.

Finally it was my turn. The officer was around 4o years old, bald, with glasses, and he looked so serious, and that made me nervous, I felt like I was a terrorist or something when he stared me with those firm eyes. I gave him my passport, he examined it, and then he took off his glasses and asked me:

“What are you coming to America for?”

“To see the spring of Los Angeles, and Tom Cruise!”

I said it with delight.

He laughed.

“Los Angeles is Spring four seasons…Tom Cruise? Is every girl coming to America to see Tom Cruise?”

“Well, I hope not.”

I laughed. Thought he was funny.

“Good Luck, young lady, I do wish your dream come true,” he glanced me with a big smile, and put a red stamp on my passport, I felt the spring of Los Angles immediately. I fell in love with this country immediately.



I was eager to leave the airport. With two big luggage in my hand and they were heavy. On one picked me up. I knew nobody, except a high school mate’s brother… But I could not find his number. I was so excited, I did not realize where I was for a moment then I started crying. Cause I felt a little bit lonely.

It was getting dark, & I did not know where to go, I knew nobody after all. I was excited, also scared. But I was eager to see los angles, so I got a taxi, ( I spent my first twenty dollars). I asked the cab driver take me to the beach first, I never saw a beach before, I could tell right away that the cab driver wasn’t from here, because of his accent. I asked him where he was from, he said Iran. It was just exciting to see different people here. In China, all you see were Chinese, and that was boring to me. So he drove me to Venice beach, and I just loved it. I wanted to see the elegant palm trees high above the sky against the crystal blue Pacific. But if you want to know the truth is, the truth is the water wasn’t that crystal blue, although it was blue enough, actually green blue, or a color we call turquoise. I loved the ocean, the first impression of this vast country was replaced by the endless sea and the beautiful palm trees. I forgot all the homeless, dirty streets and all that. I never saw an ocean before, neither a palm tree, it was my first time to see tropic plants and Mother earth Pacific. I was suddenly happy to be there. “I will come back,” I said to myself, there was so much to see in this brand new country, and I wanted to see them all right way!

So I did. I looked at the city, this brand-new country from the bus window, all I saw was the dirty streets, homeless people, and palm trees, honestly, that’s my first impression of this developed country: Dirty, homeless, and palm trees.

Of course I wanted to see Tom Cruise, I wanted to tell him that he changed a girl’s life, a poor little girl from a small village of China, a girl was so poor, and she grew up with starvation, she was also so rich, cause she had Tom Cruise. I wanted to knock on his door and give him a big hug, I wanted to tell him: “Tom, you are right, miracle does exist.” But I never got the chance. First, I did not know where he lives, second, what he would think when a poor girl knocks on his door? he may not believe it. But after all, I just did not have his address, so I had nowhere to find him.

I went to the Hollywood sign afterwards. Hollywood sign truly represented my dreams. I still remember how excited I was when I saw the eight letters against the Hollywood hills. I could not hold my excitement. My heart was beating hard, and I almost wanted to cry, I felt tremendous happiness inside and I heard a voice coming from my chest: “Tom, I’m here!” I wanted to yell loud, so that the whole universe can hear it. The Hollywood sign did represent something, the honor, pride, history, or something eternal to me. Even now, whenever I see the Hollywood sign I still could not hold my excitement, something flowing just like a red river.

After the long flight and excitement, I was finally tired, the taxi driver was kind enough to tell me I could stay at Youth hostel for like twenty bucks per night. And he can give me a free ride. He really helped me find one if you want to know the truth. After I put my luggage in the hotel, I finally relaxed, but not really…I was very sacred, I thought what am I going to do next? I only had 80$ left in my pocket. So I stayed in a youth hostel for the first night.

When I was checking out in the morning, I met a Chinese guy named Bill. He is from China. He goes to school in Massachusetts, and he came here Los Angeles to visit a friend. I told him why I came to the US, “You came here alone?” He asked me with surprise.

“Yes.”

“Do you know anyone here in the US?”

I shook my head, and he was completely surprised. He said his friend is a PHD at UCLA, and he might be able to help me. And maybe I could sleep on his couch till I find my own place.

To be honest, I did not even want to accept the offer, not because I was arrogant, I thought to myself, I came to America for adventure, to talk to people with different color, living with a Chinese in America was not my intention here in America. “ If I really want to practice my Chinese, better go back to China!” I was pretty disappointed. However, I did feel lonely, and I was homesick, first time in a foreign country, I was even a little fearful. I thought about it for a while, eventually I said I can go to see his friend who lives around UCLA campus.

The guy’s name was Bing, a PHD in Physics. He was 35 years old, and has been single all his life. Well, I did not care to know about his personal life, but he told me once he met me. I disliked him immediately. Not because I’m hardcore to deal with. I guess we’re just completely different person. I had to converse with him in Chinese, I said to myself, what the hell, I’m here to practice my English, if I need to practice Chinese and hang out with Chinese all day and I better go back to great wall!

That was obviously not me, I wanted to see the world, see different people and different culture, only the new things interest me, I’m kind of person that I can’t stand the same old, that’s why I left the village, left China, that’s why I find out Tom Cruise is so inspiring. He is always open himself to the unending possibilities, he loves adventures. I got his spirit deeply inside of me, and that’s unchangeable.

As a matter of fact, I did stay on this Chinese’s guy’s coach. I did not hate it, he was pretty nice guy actually. Even though we were completely different.

He was traditional and conservative, I’m open and adventurous. He was pretty happy to meet a Chinese folk like me, in that way, I really appreciated him a lot. He’s kind of person loves to help all the new fishes from China. And that made him simply lovely. He even took me for dinner that night, guess what? Chinese food. I was thinking about Macdonald or KFC. Thank God he took me to Chinatown, and that was truly amazing, it seemed like I had never had Chinese food. And everyone in the restaurant communicated in Chinese…what the hell, it almost like I was in China! Don’t get me wrong, I do love my people and my language, but I’m here not to speak Chinese and eat the second-hand Chinese food, it’s ridiculous. I am here for something completely different! If I was content in the small village, I will never want to come out here to America! Anyway, Bing only eats Chinese food and hangs out with Chinese folks. It seems like he never got enough of Chinese.

The truth is in the past 16 years I have got enough Chinese, now it’s the time to change.

We are all one, all the same, it does not matter you are black or white, Hispanic, or Asian, the bottom line is you got accept all cultures, But Mr. Tang, his friends were all Chinese, and he has been in the US, for how long? Ten years? It’s truly amazing.

I asked him why he came to America if he likes to speak Chinese and be with Chinese. He had a big grin on his face, “ They pay me a lot more money here in the US, I can buy a nice big house, I’m middle class....I can live much more comfortably, I can have more money to have a luxury material life style!”

I sighed. Came to America to dig gold? That’s the whole purpose? That’s kind of sad…I asked him why he doesn’t have any American friends, he said they don’t understand Chinese culture, and he has no common with them, I laughed, “You have to tell them and try to communicate with people, tell them your culture, at the same time you learn theirs, that’s called learning right? If you don’t communicate, how the hell you understand??”

I don’t know if I should feel happy for him or feel sorry. It was my second day in America, I met a Chinese folk, it’s all good, at least I was no longer homesick. Actually it lifted up my spirit, made me want to explore this brand-new land we call The United States Of America.

Introduction (Table of Contents)

Title: My Love for You, Tom Cruise
– A Desperate Chinese Girl’s Confession

( An inspirational Journey to American Dream)

By Niki Yan




To My Beloved mom and dad,
Without your unconditional love, I can’t shine

To Tom,
The Living legend with a Compassionate heart.




"Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go."

-- T. S. Elliot


"In the perception of the smallest is the secret of clear vision; in the guarding of the weakest is the secret of all strength."

-- Lao Tzu


“There is no a pinnacle light you can sit back and rest.”

--Tom Cruise


“Be Good.”

-- My Mother




Chapter 1 The Childhood dream ( TOP GUN)

"I’ve listened the silence of the day and night
Sunset, and sunrise,
I’ve seen the snow-white stars in the dark blue sky
I know how they born and how they die
The eternal sunshine enlightened my childhood’s dream
In my heart, there was only
one name…one heart…one LOVE."


Life in a small village
Top Gun changed my life
Going to the city ( who is Tom Cruise)
I was the rebel ( High school Drop-out)
The factory Girl
Beijing at night ( A Show girl’s Life )
Good bye, China



Chapter 2 Coming to Hollywood ( Risky Business)

"Escape to the U.S.
The far west country with dignity
for better or worse,
I escaped for a reason of opportunity"

Let me in, America!
Hollywood! Hollywood!
Lost in translation
Love at first sight ( I fall in love with a super star)
Being a short guy ( Love does not have height)
Crocodile’s tear (My second letter to Tom)
Meeting with a Psychiatrist
Beautiful Stranger
A poem To a white boy ( Valentine’s Day’s dream)


Chapter 3 Life on Sunset Blvd (Mission Impossible)


“I already decided
(for better or worse?)
I’m going to fall in love,
With the eyes of blue, with the heart of gold”


Swimming with the sharks
Niki Cruise
Grandpa! Grandpa!
Christmas Light
Like a virgin
All is full of LOVE
Smooth Criminal
Waiting for you for a thousand years.


Chapter 4 The Odyssey with Cruise ( Vanilla Sky)

"I see you, a genius with the soul of snow,
I see you, a permanent voice standing on my roof,
I see you, walking on the Mount Everest,
with tears falling down on my
finger tip."

My Apollo (The Modern Fairytale )
The Feast of a Virgin heart (The eternal love of a stranger’s past)
From Lemon Chicken to Spaghetti
Don’t cry for me, Los Angeles
The 18 years Birthday
Mulholland Drive.
Tom Cruise fever ( What I know for sure)
Kingdom of heaven— How Tom and Niki met on another planet


Chapter 5 Meeting my Dream guy ( Eyes Wide Shut)

“Is this a dream?
Or an Illusion?
Or my long-searching destiny?
When I looked into your eyes,
I saw my own tears.”

Sunshine from the bleakest sky
Meeting my dream guy ( The luckiest girl in the world)
Motorcycle Diary
Final fantasy
My Big fat Chinese wedding
The Great Depression
Phoenix over the Horizon ( Self-realization)

Opening-- The Arising of the Phoenix

"If you ask me what kind of story this is,
I can’t tell you, it’s about a poor China
girl falls in love with a white boy, or
a white boy falls in love with a poor China
girl. It’s none of them. It’s something larger
than that. Like at night when you look at
the sky, and you wonder why they shine
in the dark of the night. Sometime, I wonder
the same, why is it so bright, and so generous"


If you ask me what kind of story this is, I can’t tell you. It’s complicated as a river, simple like a leaf. First, it wasn’t easy to come to America for a poor Chinese girl like me. Second, I did not grow up in a rich family. So, life was always hard for me as you can imagine. But if you’ve ever gone for a road trip, you would know what a dream is about. When you drive on the highway at the speed of light, you see all the views from your window, and you feel the speed, your heart is open, your mind is embracing, and yes, you’re flying.

I was flying. I was crying. I was living in my dreams. So, if you ask me what my story is all about, I can’t tell you. It’s about a poor little Chinese girl’s struggling with life, or enlightenment, or both, or we call it growing–ups?

I remember how time crammed on my skin eating my bones and drinking my blood. I was not one of those happy kids. I wasn’t. From the day I was born, my destiny was one of a kind. I got too much talent maybe, but my talent did not become my destiny. People would forgive Nietzsche’s craziness, but they would not forgive me. Not because my heart is black, my skin is white, it’s because I’m the devil. I am a snake, a cold snake, lonely and always in hibernation. My venom from my mouth isn’t friendly, it nourished my dream, and warmed my heart. A rebellious spirit’s journey with all the blood left on the mud.

And I will definitely not tell you how I got beat up by those rich kids. Ever since I was born, I was living in the misery, I was living in the misery of my own. If you’re skeptical, then look at yourself in the mirror, you will see how fast your face grew old.

If you ask me how I grew up in a small village of China and came to America, I can tell you. I can’t tell you how normal my life was and how my destiny was reformed. I can’t tell you, if you know nothing about love. Being talented is a curse. Being talented and courageous is a curse of all curses. I was like that. I was doomed. Just like the thunderstorm in the summer, it’s only for a short period of glory.

Yes, time fastened my pain, it extended my suffering and fear. And America did not change my destiny, this brand new country is no difference from the rest of the glory, when I talk about the numb lonely people driving their Mercedes on the 101 freeway, I want to tell you my story. When the humility of Los Angeles sneaked into my bones blended with the coldness of humanity, I want to tell you my story. I don’t see love, warmth in their eyes, all I see is greed and loss. I don’t see passion, dreams, and happiness, innocence, all I see is boredom and numbness. I don’t see excitement, purity and joy, all I see is fast-paced screws running on their head. This society is filled with machines. And some of the machines are rusty. This world is already rotten. So, I want to tell you my story when I read my poetry outside of Tom Cruise’s house in Beverly Hills; when I sing like a queen by the Pacific Highway. So, I want to tell you my story. If you ask me about my soul journey, and how much I suffered and struggled in this society, I will need some alcohol, and I would probably need some pot too, yes, I can tell you my story, when you’re sitting at your dining table watching American Television. And you will be amazed by what you read.

This is not a normal growing-up story in China, nor anything you’ve heard on TV or Movies. This kind of story only happens once. And it happened to me. When another human influenced your life in a dramatic way, you would be amazed by how much you can change your life for the best. Especially when you were young, like nine years old, you clearly remember the dream, the longing, the desire, and nothing can stop you cause you are the rebel. You want a revolution even though it’s against your mother and your father’s will. You want to break the system, you want a celebration, and re-construction. In the land of your dream, you have nothing but your own love and passion.

I was like that. It was strong, powerful. It was like a radiant light coming from a dark river going through all my life. It’s not about how two people fell in love and broke up, the story which you probably have heard a thousand of times. It’s about one person changed another. And he may not know about it; maybe you would never meet him, because he is so far away and lives on another side of the world. However, his spirit never leaves you and the impact never stops, this life, next life, till eternal. I call it “The Heart,” The Love”, the intangible enlightenment from a human to another. This powerful force is like radiant wave and light, it shines your life from inside and out. And I call it The positive energy, it stays with you forever. Even after you die, the force will continue to enlighten you.

My story is something hopeful and powerful like that. It fired up my dream and desire. It came to the surface right after I recognized it. It’s to do with a movie and my life in a village. Of course it’s to do with another human, and you may have heard his name: Tom Cruise.