Chapter 2 Coming to HollywoodEscape to the U.S.
The far west country with dignity
for better or worse,
I escaped for a reason of opportunityLet me in America! (1)
The airplane was high above the sky…I saw the white heaven like clouds and the holly sunshine from a whole different perspective. It was my first time to fly…yes, to the sky, to different dimension as you can imagine-- A new land that is full of opportunity.
I was 16 years old. I was innocent. I was hopeful. I carried a heavy dream, and I was nervous. All those years in China prepared a strong spirit, yes, I suffered , yes, I struggled, now everything is about to turn around. I can’t sit still on my seat. I had the window seat, and it was quite convenient. When my parents’ faces dissolved like a vapor in the desert; the great wall vanished in the sight of my proud vision; the small poor village danced away in the wind and eventually became a dream, my illusion told me I’m no long in China, I no long belong to that land…I no longer belong to that village or my past… I’m ON MY WAY TO—America.
Everyone in the airplane seemed all calm and relaxed, I thought I was the only one excited, I was a new fish indeed, for the sake of United States.
I was a little bit upset that my parents did not come to the Airport see me off. Lin was the only one, I guess he really loved me. The truth is my parents could not afford the airplane tickets. Sitting by the window of the plane , my mind was sky-high, the airplane took me all the way above the clouds. It was the first time I was sitting in an airplane, if you want to know the truth. I could not hold my excitement. I was also a little bit afraid, a new country, a new dream, a new life, it all excited me, at the same time it scared me. Do you remember the first time you left your own family to go to a faraway planet to pursue you dreams? If you have ever left your own home, you would understand what I was going through.
So, me, the little girl from China, was waiting for her first bite of this big delicious apple we call America.
I kept looking outside of the plane, the clouds, the universe, a place we can never reach as the airplane flying above the clouds, I felt I was flying too. I saw the clouds, the dazzling sun, the beautiful lucid thin air, a place we call heaven, they were so close to me, and everything on the ground was nothing but blurry memories. I felt my heart filled with gratitude. I remembered it very clearly, when the plane was talking off, I said to myself, “Thank God, I’m leaving this place.”
I could not sit still the whole time; it was my first time to leave my own country and my own home, it was my first time to do something incredible on my own, it was my first time to be so adventurous, I was thrilled, if you want to know how I really felt. The first time to go to a foreign country, the first time to go to America.
An old lady sat next to me. She was in her 30s.
“How old are you?” The lady sat next to me asked me immediately after I put all my luggage down.
“Well, will it make any difference?”
“No. Going school in America? What are you going to do there? First time? I can tell you it’s your first time.”
“Yes, indeed.” I took a long breath.
“What am I going to do in America?...” Wow, she touched the deepest side of my heart.
“To realize my dreams, to see Tom Cruise, to do movies and be a Hollywood star, to realize my childhood dreams…to experience something completely different, to live a life I had never lived before…to discover, to adventure….”
She laughed. A gentle laugh. Her face lit up. She knew exactly what I was talking about.
“To live a fantastic life…you know?” I continued. There was a couple of seconds of silence between us. I was just happy to be there with her. Everyone has a story to tell. Everyone is a story. I thought.
She told me that she lives in America, she had been living there for twenty years, and she was a teacher at Columbia University. So when she asked me what I’m going to do in America. “For a dream.” I simply said.
“ So, your dream is pretty big….good luck young lady. America may not as good as you thought and, Tom Cruise… that’s a fantasy, you know the reality is reality, your dream may never come true…but I admire your courage….”
I was silent. Normally I don’t like people tell me what’s going to happen
before the adventure begins. I mean, I just don’t like negative people, I believe anything is possible. I wish she said: “Ok, Niki, you are such a brave girl, I know your dream will come true…” but that would be phony, cause those good wishes normally are phony and fake, but at least they make me feel good. Anything positive even an illusion would have the possibility come true in reality.
“It’s good to dream when you are still Young. If I were your age, I would probably want to be a dancer…” She continued. I saw a little bit sadness on her face, and it vanished right way.
She looked like in her 30s. Her face looked young and shining, but if you observe carefully, you can tell her age from her the hidden wrinkles around the eyes just underneath the thick make-up, She could be in her 40s. But I did not say anything. Then she asked me how old I think she is.
“How old do I look like? Niki?”
It’s funny, all ladies care about their age, they like to be asked about the age, at the same time they’re afraid.
“30.” I said.
“I wish.” She gave me a big smile, “ I am 45.”
“Really? You don’t look like 45, you look much younger,” even though I kew she could be 40.
“How old are you?” she asked.
“16.”
“I wish I was your age. I envy you. So keep dreaming, no matter how big the dream is…just pursuing it…if you are my age, you would regret if you don’t pursue your dram when you were young. I nodded. I understood her completely.
“That’s why I’m taking a chance, a risk, a adventure…I have to follow my heart, I have nothing else to do…”
She started crying. I don’t know why. I saw her tears came down and it made her make up so messy…I helped her with the tissue. I don’t want to see me like her when I’m her age. I would have noting to regret about.
“Adventure…risk…a chance……” finally she said, “ I wish I took that chance…but I was afraid…I had a dream, just like you, I wanted to conquer the world, I wanted to be the greatest dancer of the world…But…I was worried to fail…they told me not to do so, my family and friends told me I would starve if I dance…so I gave up…but I was never happy about it…I fell like I’m still living in the prison, the prison of my own heart…in the last 30 years, I lived in regret and guilt, cause I did not pursue my dream…I did not follow my heart… deeply inside I feel that pain…it aches when it comes at night…when my kids go to bed…I know I have something to hide…I may not starve now, good money, good career…a fair stable family, kids, but I’m NOT happy.”
She wiped her tears with the tissue I gave her. I understood her pain. I felt sorry for her. I wish everyone got pursue their dreams.
“It’s never too late to pursue your dreams…never. At least you are still alive and you can still do whatever you want…”
“I can’t dance no more…I’m too old…!”
“I don’t think you are too old…..as long as you have a young spirit, you can do anything, you can still do anything, you can change your attitude, and abandon the fear…you can do it, you can do it…”
She smiled…nothing else to say. “ That was really a wishful thinking…”
The rest of the flight, we kept the silence. We all had our own world to think about, our own dream, and love.
Finally one hour before the landing, she talked to me again: “I have a husband, and a 17 years old son. We have been married for twenty years, I just found out that I don’t love him, actually I never loved him, he is a traditional Chinese man, a book-worm, computer geek, so boring, I want someone who is exciting and can take me travel around the whole world.” I saw something really shining in her eyes when she was telling me her story and all that.
“Why don’t you find someone else? You have to do the right thing for yourself.”
I really had pity for her now. I want to see people happy, I want them do what make them happy, but obviously this lady is not happy, all because she married the wrong person, for some goddamn reason. I told myself I can’t make the same mistake like she did. I will never do. Never. I’m smarter than that.
“So, how come you don’t make a change now?”
I asked her.
She did not answer my question directly. But I could feel her loss, her dream, and her desire.
“Sometime I feel like 10 years old, you know, I really feel young inside even though I’m 45 years old physically. It’s just a number you know?”
“Yeah, I know exactly what you’re talking about. I am 16, but sometime, I feel like 60. An old soul. You know what I mean?”
“Yeah, I do, that’s why I thought you’re really mature for your age. Anyway, I want someone who is really fun, enjoys life, like to do different things, go surfing, skiing, go to Africa, see different cultures, and talk to different people, go to national park, or international park, go to Grand Canyon, or Yellow Stone. I’ve never been to those places, and those were all my dreams when I was a little girl.”
I could see her desire and passion, and the longing for a new life in her eyes, I could sense her fantasy, her dreams, her love, her ambition, and her young dynamic heart.
“But the truth is, he’s always home, if not at work, all he talked about all day was computer, even on Christmas, he is insane! And I just realized that I never loved him, I don’t know why I married him at first place.”
“It’s never to late to change, Hong,” Her name is Hong, Poor Hong, not happy, has a lot burden, and she wish she was me, starting a life fresh.
“What’s your dream? Niki?” eventually she asked.
“I want to do Movies, actually that’s why I’m moving to Hollywood, I also want to meet Tom Cruise.”
I don’t know why I told her so directly, but that did not matter to me, I trusted her, and I felt her pain.
“Did you say Tom Cruise?”
“Yes, the Hollywood Movie Star, I love him.”
“He is a great actor, I’m a big fan, did you see “Vanilla Sky?”
I nodded. If you ask me what role I always dreamed to play, I would tell you it’s Penelope Cruz’s role in Vanilla sky, not just because she had a hot steaming love fair with Tom Cruise in the movie; it’s also because that was kind of role I really like to play myself.
Hong noticed the excitement from my eyes when it comes to Tom Cruise. But she did not know there was a long profound story behind.
“This movie makes you think about life. Make you question your own love, life, what is important in life? What is happiness and love? What is dream and reality? Or they are not much different? It makes you question your own existence and what life is truly about. Is there anything more that you could ask from a film?” I started talking about Vanilla Sky. She kept nodding her head, “Yes, yes, that’s exactly how I felt, it makes you question your own love and life.”
“Cruise had said Vanilla Sky is a film you want to see before dinner so you can sit down and talk about it. “That's how the picture works - it makes you want to sit down and talk about it." God, I just love what Tom has to say, he has such a broad vision. He always says things in a different perspective, he said: “The thing that was fascinating to me about the film ( Vanilla Sky) is that it's not culturally-based. When you look at Open Your Eyes, it's kind of dealing with universal themes and those characters could have been anybody. It also left it open-ended where it left room for interpretation”. How true it is. Personally I like movies that are universal too. A great movie that always discusses something could apply for anyone. That’s why Tom also did The Last Samurai. I like movies with open endings too. An open ending leaves us possibility to discuss. It’s life itself.”
Hong just amazed by what I had to say, she was also amazed that I can recite Tom’s own words. Well, I am the girl of Cruise, I know everything about him. And I just love to talk about Tom Cruise, anything about him, I just love to talk about.
So, when I was discussing about Vanilla Sky with this lady on the airplane, I was really excited. “You need not just your eyes to watch this movie, but also your mind, especially your mind. It makes you close your eyes and look inside. It makes you think the inner universe is just as infinite as the outer space…”
Wow, I just loved to talk all about it…what a conversation is that? It was truly amazing. I was just so into it when I talked about Tom Cruise and his movies. The problem with me is that once I get into something, I’m so excited and energetic and all that. Just like Cruise, when I’m talking, it’s like I’m dancing. And I can’t help. I just love to be enthusiastic about things, I like to live life passionately and dynamically.
Hong was so touched by what I said, “If you see him one day, get his autograph for me, would you?”
I nodded.
“By the way, don’t forget me when you become a Superstar!”
I laughed. I promised her I will keep in touch. Seriously, I do want to see how she is doing, and I’m just hoping that everything will work out for her, her family and all that. It’s funny that I’m like her son’s age, but we could communicate like buddies. She is from Shanghai, a rich family. Her father was a major banker in Shanghai, and her mother owned a clothing factory in southern China, they even own a house in New York.
Now I envy her, even though my self-esteem said no, but deeply inside of me, I knew something hurt me. I don’t really know what hurt me, but I know for sure something there made my heart ache. I told Hong that I have worked in a clothing factory before as a sewing girl, she did not believe it.
“Hong, I really hope you will work things out with your husband and all that.” When the plane was about to land, I told her. She said thanks. And I did not have much time to think of anything else, there was a little voice coming from my chest, “America! America!” I did not get a chance to glance from the window what America looked like, I grabbed my only luggage from the top, and held Hong’s hands tightly. “I know you will be doing well. Keep in touch.” She was so moved, I could tell right away that she wish the flight was a little bit longer, well, the truth is when you have the right company, a 12 hours flight isn’t long. I was a little emotional too, she seemed like a caring woman, and I promised her that I will go to New York to visit her sometime.
You can imagine how excited when I walked out of the plane…a new place, a new land, a new dream, a new life… how wonderful…I held my excitement…my heart was dancing in chest like a lightning. The smell of America mixed with all the colors and culture stirred a 16 year’s old’s heart. “This is America…” I heard my inner voice telling me something…but I did not care too much, in my heart, there was one name, one dream, one goal, one world, the world of possibilities, the world of success, the world of glory and love, the world of Top Gun, the world of Tom Cruise. I was not overwhelmed by the freshness of America, I was overwhelmed by my own ecstasy.
If you really want to know the truth, my first impression of America wasn’t elegant. The airport ( LAX) was dark and dirty, people spoke different languages. And the people working there speaking different languages as well, and they seemed not so friendly, they were even rude I say. I saw a lot Asians, not sure they were Chinese or Vietnamese, everyone just looks like Chinese to me. The oppressed environment of LAX wasn’t so friendly, esp. after 911. But I can’t judge a country by the airport, just like you can’t judge a book by the cover. You must dig a lot deeper and I must get out and see, to really see what America is like.
I walked towards the U.S. Custom. There was lot of people. I had to wait in the line…God the line was long. They were almost all Chinese. I did not feel talking to them. I did not see Hong. She must be in different line since she is U.S. citizen.
Finally it was my turn. The officer was around 4o years old, bald, with glasses, and he looked so serious, and that made me nervous, I felt like I was a terrorist or something when he stared me with those firm eyes. I gave him my passport, he examined it, and then he took off his glasses and asked me:
“What are you coming to America for?”
“To see the spring of Los Angeles, and Tom Cruise!”
I said it with delight.
He laughed.
“Los Angeles is Spring four seasons…Tom Cruise? Is every girl coming to America to see Tom Cruise?”
“Well, I hope not.”
I laughed. Thought he was funny.
“Good Luck, young lady, I do wish your dream come true,” he glanced me with a big smile, and put a red stamp on my passport, I felt the spring of Los Angles immediately. I fell in love with this country immediately.
I was eager to leave the airport. With two big luggage in my hand and they were heavy. On one picked me up. I knew nobody, except a high school mate’s brother… But I could not find his number. I was so excited, I did not realize where I was for a moment then I started crying. Cause I felt a little bit lonely.
It was getting dark, & I did not know where to go, I knew nobody after all. I was excited, also scared. But I was eager to see los angles, so I got a taxi, ( I spent my first twenty dollars). I asked the cab driver take me to the beach first, I never saw a beach before, I could tell right away that the cab driver wasn’t from here, because of his accent. I asked him where he was from, he said Iran. It was just exciting to see different people here. In China, all you see were Chinese, and that was boring to me. So he drove me to Venice beach, and I just loved it. I wanted to see the elegant palm trees high above the sky against the crystal blue Pacific. But if you want to know the truth is, the truth is the water wasn’t that crystal blue, although it was blue enough, actually green blue, or a color we call turquoise. I loved the ocean, the first impression of this vast country was replaced by the endless sea and the beautiful palm trees. I forgot all the homeless, dirty streets and all that. I never saw an ocean before, neither a palm tree, it was my first time to see tropic plants and Mother earth Pacific. I was suddenly happy to be there. “I will come back,” I said to myself, there was so much to see in this brand new country, and I wanted to see them all right way!
So I did. I looked at the city, this brand-new country from the bus window, all I saw was the dirty streets, homeless people, and palm trees, honestly, that’s my first impression of this developed country: Dirty, homeless, and palm trees.
Of course I wanted to see Tom Cruise, I wanted to tell him that he changed a girl’s life, a poor little girl from a small village of China, a girl was so poor, and she grew up with starvation, she was also so rich, cause she had Tom Cruise. I wanted to knock on his door and give him a big hug, I wanted to tell him: “Tom, you are right, miracle does exist.” But I never got the chance. First, I did not know where he lives, second, what he would think when a poor girl knocks on his door? he may not believe it. But after all, I just did not have his address, so I had nowhere to find him.
I went to the Hollywood sign afterwards. Hollywood sign truly represented my dreams. I still remember how excited I was when I saw the eight letters against the Hollywood hills. I could not hold my excitement. My heart was beating hard, and I almost wanted to cry, I felt tremendous happiness inside and I heard a voice coming from my chest: “Tom, I’m here!” I wanted to yell loud, so that the whole universe can hear it. The Hollywood sign did represent something, the honor, pride, history, or something eternal to me. Even now, whenever I see the Hollywood sign I still could not hold my excitement, something flowing just like a red river.
After the long flight and excitement, I was finally tired, the taxi driver was kind enough to tell me I could stay at Youth hostel for like twenty bucks per night. And he can give me a free ride. He really helped me find one if you want to know the truth. After I put my luggage in the hotel, I finally relaxed, but not really…I was very sacred, I thought what am I going to do next? I only had 80$ left in my pocket. So I stayed in a youth hostel for the first night.
When I was checking out in the morning, I met a Chinese guy named Bill. He is from China. He goes to school in Massachusetts, and he came here Los Angeles to visit a friend. I told him why I came to the US, “You came here alone?” He asked me with surprise.
“Yes.”
“Do you know anyone here in the US?”
I shook my head, and he was completely surprised. He said his friend is a PHD at UCLA, and he might be able to help me. And maybe I could sleep on his couch till I find my own place.
To be honest, I did not even want to accept the offer, not because I was arrogant, I thought to myself, I came to America for adventure, to talk to people with different color, living with a Chinese in America was not my intention here in America. “ If I really want to practice my Chinese, better go back to China!” I was pretty disappointed. However, I did feel lonely, and I was homesick, first time in a foreign country, I was even a little fearful. I thought about it for a while, eventually I said I can go to see his friend who lives around UCLA campus.
The guy’s name was Bing, a PHD in Physics. He was 35 years old, and has been single all his life. Well, I did not care to know about his personal life, but he told me once he met me. I disliked him immediately. Not because I’m hardcore to deal with. I guess we’re just completely different person. I had to converse with him in Chinese, I said to myself, what the hell, I’m here to practice my English, if I need to practice Chinese and hang out with Chinese all day and I better go back to great wall!
That was obviously not me, I wanted to see the world, see different people and different culture, only the new things interest me, I’m kind of person that I can’t stand the same old, that’s why I left the village, left China, that’s why I find out Tom Cruise is so inspiring. He is always open himself to the unending possibilities, he loves adventures. I got his spirit deeply inside of me, and that’s unchangeable.
As a matter of fact, I did stay on this Chinese’s guy’s coach. I did not hate it, he was pretty nice guy actually. Even though we were completely different.
He was traditional and conservative, I’m open and adventurous. He was pretty happy to meet a Chinese folk like me, in that way, I really appreciated him a lot. He’s kind of person loves to help all the new fishes from China. And that made him simply lovely. He even took me for dinner that night, guess what? Chinese food. I was thinking about Macdonald or KFC. Thank God he took me to Chinatown, and that was truly amazing, it seemed like I had never had Chinese food. And everyone in the restaurant communicated in Chinese…what the hell, it almost like I was in China! Don’t get me wrong, I do love my people and my language, but I’m here not to speak Chinese and eat the second-hand Chinese food, it’s ridiculous. I am here for something completely different! If I was content in the small village, I will never want to come out here to America! Anyway, Bing only eats Chinese food and hangs out with Chinese folks. It seems like he never got enough of Chinese.
The truth is in the past 16 years I have got enough Chinese, now it’s the time to change.
We are all one, all the same, it does not matter you are black or white, Hispanic, or Asian, the bottom line is you got accept all cultures, But Mr. Tang, his friends were all Chinese, and he has been in the US, for how long? Ten years? It’s truly amazing.
I asked him why he came to America if he likes to speak Chinese and be with Chinese. He had a big grin on his face, “ They pay me a lot more money here in the US, I can buy a nice big house, I’m middle class....I can live much more comfortably, I can have more money to have a luxury material life style!”
I sighed. Came to America to dig gold? That’s the whole purpose? That’s kind of sad…I asked him why he doesn’t have any American friends, he said they don’t understand Chinese culture, and he has no common with them, I laughed, “You have to tell them and try to communicate with people, tell them your culture, at the same time you learn theirs, that’s called learning right? If you don’t communicate, how the hell you understand??”
I don’t know if I should feel happy for him or feel sorry. It was my second day in America, I met a Chinese folk, it’s all good, at least I was no longer homesick. Actually it lifted up my spirit, made me want to explore this brand-new land we call The United States Of America.